I love hugs! Really! I mean, really, really, really!!!
But here’s the thing… if you want to hug me, I need to know you WELL. And on top of that, I need to expect the hug, it has to mean something significant, and it has to come from me too. Sounds simple, right? No? Yeah, I didn’t think so… so let me explain why!

Point 1. Many people like me are hypersensitive, even to touch. Imagine, just to give you an idea, that you have super sensitive teeth. Got the picture? If that were the case, would you keep drinking ice-cold water or eating ice cream all the time? My skin works kind of the same way. Even the lightest touch can feel like a firm push. And no, I don’t enjoy being “pushed” constantly. In that sense, spending half an hour on a crowded bus is like throwing yourself into a bush of stinging nettles.

Point 2. Tell me why, if we don’t know each other, we need to touch at all. I honestly don’t get why some people randomly pat others on the back, or why they feel the need to tap your arm just to get your attention. Talk to me, call my name, connect with me verbally… isn’t that enough?

Point 3. I don’t touch you. And if I do, it’s either because of “masking” (another word we’ll get into later, along with “stimming”), or because I care so much about you that I let you touch me. I can push past my hypersensitivity if it’s part of showing the importance of our relationship. I hug my wife, my daughters, a couple of very close friends, and my dog. These are relationships I live very deeply, and they come with big, overwhelming feelings. Still, I don’t hug them all the time—because for me, a moment of physical contact is something important. If it happened constantly, it would lose its meaning.

Point 4. If I’m already doing my best to figure out what you’re feeling or thinking, your touch distracts me. It takes away my focus from how you’re speaking or interacting with me. And that stops me from building a clearer, more open connection with you. All of that… just for a pat on the back?